What even am I? This is a question that's often rolling around my head. I wonder at times over my absurd existence. I suppose there are other, more destructive thought patterns that can overtake me. So the simple absurdity of life is often a welcome thought process.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's looked on their self, finding their mind an oddly perplexing thing. It's the lack of logic that really gets me. That knowledge can't override the torrent of emotion. That knowledge and logic don't magically fix my mind.
There are several mood disorders. And I struggle with bipolar disorder. It's what seems to make the most sense diagnostically. And that mood stabilizers help me is a pretty big clue. I don't want to agree. I don't want to have bipolar disorder But I've been presented with enough evidence that the diagnosis looks pretty valid. I try to always ask questions, but to never ignore evidence. It wouldn't be a very bright decision to ignore data just because I don't like the answers.
Roughly two months ago I was hospitalized. I've never gone to the hospital for my mental state before. Though there are instances in my life where I probably should have been. I remember laying on the hospital bed, in patient overflow in the hallway of the ER. I would hear one man crying out in pain, occasionally throwing up. I was dealing with side effects of the anti psychotic I'd been starting, and withdrawals from the anti depressant I'd been weaning off of. My stomach was an intensely bloated painful mess. And I felt heavy anxiety, especially when my husband had to go home to get some sleep. But I needed to be there in spite of how much it sucked.
I'd voluntarily committed myself. Between the advice of my therapist and psychiatrist, and the intense thoughts of self harm and fear of what I might do, it seemed like the right move. I felt like I couldn't trust myself while I felt so unstable. It was part of the safety plan we'd previously made. I was in the ER for two days before getting transferred to an inpatient program. It was a very difficult two days.
The inpatient unit was thankfully much quieter. In the ER I'd felt exposed and boxed in at the same time; while I laid or sat in the hospital bed, monitored by a sitter. The inpatient unit wasn't loud and busy. And there was finally someone who was actually adjusting my meds. I went from feeling a lot of pain and anxiety to being a fair bit sedated. I was lucky enough to be transferred to an all voluntary unit. Though I still felt like the odd one out. while we all had some level of suicidal ideation, I felt like what I was looking for was to be kept safe while I stabilized on my medications. My fear of harming myself was rooted in how unstable I felt, how little I felt in control of my own mind.
After getting home, and over the last forever it seems, I've been adjusting to my medications. I started off very sedated. And even now I feel tired a lot. I've tried three different anti psychotics before settling on one. Thankfully the mood stabilizer was easy. Not without side effects. But easy comparatively.
Now we're getting back to trying to treat the ADHD too. Starting me off on a non-stimulant this time. I wonder if it will work, when it will work, how well it will work. If you have known the brain fog of the ADHD mind, then you will understand when I say I missed being on concerta. I missed near instantly being lifted from that whirling fog of poor focus and nonexistent motivation. I feel like I'm stuck in my own chaotic head a lot of the time. I miss noticing things around me. I miss remembering that I was in the middle of a task if I do something else for two seconds. I miss feeling like I can do the thing I want to do. But I also understand the reason my provider is taking caution.
I don't want another manic or mixed episode again. There is the potential that a stimulant could cause one. But also, I'm surviving the sedated feeling and slow, distractable thoughts with copious amounts of caffeine. I'm not saying it's a good thing. But I'm not sure that a stimulant adhd medication would be any worse than me having around 500ish mg of caffeine or so a day. What I'm trying to get at is that I'm already consuming a stimulant without it causing negative side effects. So I wonder if the caution is warranted. And I'm impatient. I want to think in a less muddled way and be part of the world around me. I want to just notice other cars on the road when I turn to look. Instead I look around constantly in a half panic in case I missed something. Basically, putting this into D&D terms, I naturally have a low perception score. Driving is panic inducing again.
I'm going with the plan though. Part of my dislike is probably also because it is different than what I know. And I am tired from the medication whirlwind I've been in the last couple months. I want the hunt for the right medicine to be over with. Though I suppose I feel like both a test subject and mad scientist, partnered up with my psychiatrist to see what happens. It's been long and grueling, but also intriguing. I can't help but be fascinated and full of curiosity. But I'm also still tired.
